YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE

Fucccckkkkk, I just want to sleeeeeeeep...

Am I meant to be feeling this empty?
Oh, thaaat's right! How could I forget?! I put my heart out there again and it was completely thrashed.
It's at your front door. Fair sure that's where I left it.
I wonder when I'll come and get it.
...I wonder when I'll be brave enough.

The way I bolted out your door that afternoon because there was no other way.
The way you said goodbye.
How we embraced that one last time.
How you looked me right in the eyes and said you'd contact me soon.
I let myself trust you wholeheartedly. I wanted to believe you more than anything - and I did.
I nodded in understanding, sad to be leaving
And then you closed the door.

I walked home that afternoon not letting my fingers part from my lips.
I cried half the way out of guilt, but I hadn't felt so alive for so long.

I waited for you for more than a day.
You never showed.
At your front door, you gave me an empty promise of saying that we'd talk real soon.

In a perfect and fair world, I'd be with you right now.
Literally, right now.
At this very hour of 7:30 in the morning, I'd be with you.

But you said it, life's a bitch and there's nothing you can do about it.
This is how it has to be. This is what we HAVE TO do.
There's no other option.

What I'll miss most is our way-past-bed-time, rambling conversations.

Maybe even more so, I'll miss the way we called each other the rudest names without ever being offended.

Or how you would constantly ask me, "guess what?!" and get me all hyped up only to find out that I was "gay".

How did I manage before this? What was I doing before this? ...Who was I?!
I won't bother you anymore with my nonsense, but please know that I'm here.

I told you everything about me and the details didn't bother you.
...Maybe that's what was so appealing.
Having someone that understands me through and through.

Despite the fact that I feel played and completely torn,
I still believe that a boy as incredible as you deserves every tiny speck of happiness.
Either you didn't see that in me or you made a mistake,
But you'll find/know what you want eventually. Or maybe you already have it with her.

Caring about someone in this way isn't about making yourself happy, because it's selfish.
It's having the courage and will to let them go because it's what they want. Because it's what will be better for them in the long run. Because that's how much you really care. Because it's gonna make you stronger.
I suppose that's what you're doing for her by letting me go.
I just have to be happy with that, because I can only control the things I am able to have control of.
No point stressing over what I can't control.

I'm sorry for everything.

The Messenger will be on your doorstep in a couple of days. I'm already half way through. Thank you. It's as good as I hoped it'd be.

Please excuse my absence over the next couple of however-long-I-feel-it'll-take-me-to-be-okay-to-be-back.